I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
