I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
