either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
