No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
