if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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