I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
