You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize