you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
