I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
