I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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