sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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