I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
