mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize