Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
