I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
