Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
