What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
