i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
