i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
