meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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