I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
