He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Alive.
So much puke
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
