So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
