You smell like a Billy Joel song
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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