she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
