the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
