Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
