I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
