Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
