and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
