All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
