WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
