i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
