good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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