I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
