My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
