That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize