i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Randomize
