I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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