She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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