the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I want to make a zoo with you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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