She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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