Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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