Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
