I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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