you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize