four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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