He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
