I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize