This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
