If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
