Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
