our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
