I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
