I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
