So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
