I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
as a side note pls kill me
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