you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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