there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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