I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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