im drinking this country out of the recession.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
