My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
