Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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