You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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