cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
false alarm, still single
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
