How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
