you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
