I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
