Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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