Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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