I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
