You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
